I keep trying to figure out what I did wrong.  Did I do anything directly in front of you that would lead you to think I not a good person? Did I not tell you I cared about you? Did I hit you? Not respect you? Yell at you? Not tell you how special and wonderful you are? How much I cared about you? I guess I could have told you more.

Was it because I said my grandfather told me a baba misa about why our name changed, even though I said he probably was joking about being of royal blood.  Did I say I had a royal title? Was heir to a throne? Had a royal treasury? I don�t think so.

So what did I do wrong to her?  Think about how you felt when your grandfather put you down, saying you weren�t smart enough and the like, how did that make you feel?  Now magnify it by a couple of 1000s�at least you had someone to stick up for you.

For the first time, I told a non-relative that I loved them, now what do I do?  How can I tell anyone else that, how can I be so fickle and say that now to another girl?  I only expected to say that to one girl that wasn�t my relative or teacher in my life.

Say we are no longer together because I am not frum from birth, or joked around too much or not enough, both of which I thought you liked about me.  Say it is because I am too ugly, too short, that I am not smart enough, that I am mean, that I am not fun enough, but please don�t say it is because I didn�t love you or didn�t care, that would be the biggest lie of all.

I would have rather been stung by 100 bees a day while be force fed dark chocolate cake with artificial lemon flavoring, rather than to have lost you.  Someone asked me when this first happened, in retrospect probably to set me up to make me seem crazy or suicidal, if I would rather die than live without you, I answered I was never really alive until I met you.

I would like to tell who this has really hurt; Ed is not hurt, not the r�s, not br.  Who has been hurt�is my parents, who had to hear all these horrible things, and help me through this.  B�H for them.  They worked hard to keep my spirits up and help me keep things in perspective and improve my spirits.  My father told me how when he moved to S. Louis no one knew him.  He graduated from college in 2 years and also then went quickly through medical school, but my mother still trusted him.

Likewise, my mother�s �friends� tried to say bad things about her, since my father would not know if they were true or not.  Still, he said most he knew was not true, the rest he found out wasn�t true, which made him realize the remaining bit he could prove or disprove must also have been false.  He loved her enough, from what he knew to not care about what other people said; he knew since her �friends� weren�t happy they didn�t want anyone else to be either. B�H they didn�t pay attention to the bad things a few might have said, and instead what they saw directly from one another, because if not, I wouldn�t have my great brother and sister and they would have me.

Although, I wish things had gone differently, I want to tell you, I�YH, I will be able to move on. Unfortunately, I realize how difficult it will be to find another girl whom I have as much in common with and makes me as happy as she does�but I�YH I soon will try.

I thought after looking my entire life, I finally found my perfect other half, finally and happily.  We both were afraid of dogs, wanted the most frum upbringing for our kids, fun, we like the same places, same shows, things, jokes.  I really loved her, and she made me so happy, she made me so happy (that is not a mistype, just saying it once was not sufficient), she made me so happy� I never had been any happier, but knowing I made her happy made me even happier.  I thought about funny things�such as how if it was raining, it would be a joy to get wet by giving her my umbrella, so she wouldn�t get wet, and so many other things. Right when I felt I knew we were going to be together forever and then, it just stopped.  I never saw myself ever dating again, I feel like I have to ask permission. After the last shabbas we spent together, the idea of going out with anyone else left a lingering horrible taste in my mouth�and still does.

From the beginning, I always said I wanted to just talk on the phone or have a chaperone with us, because I didn�t want to do anything that would cause regret if things wouldn�t work out.  But I relented and agreed to go out without a chaperone, because I agreed that I thought we were destined for marriage, however not letting myself go until we were 110% sure we would work out, and now because of what has now happened, I don�t ever want to take that risk again.

The reasons I went away was not because I wanted to date or meet shadchunim, but because I wanted more time to prepare for being in front of her parents and teacher.  I studied a gemara with ira, telling him it was because I wanted to impress my future in-laws, and songs with yuval, telling him it was to sing ashit chayil to my wife, and even discussed beginning to wear a tallit with Moshe and Rabbi Wolbe.  I was trying to practice with other people other places so I would make a great first impression with her mom and her teacher, ironic isn�t it.

I know we joked, but the truth is I would love you even if after having children she would be as big as house mamish, but I�m sure she would always be fit I�YH, because she cares about herself.

I don�t expect anyone to believe what I write solely because I have written it, as much as I wouldn�t have expected anyone to believe the lies said about me without proof.  Though, most of my words that can be proven, as far as I know, all already have.  Therefore, I have called a polygraph company and will be making an appointment to take a polygraph test, to be asked questions, such as did I want to marry ek; would I ever want to be unfaithful; did I ever do drugs; did I work in Korea; did I work in the high positions I described for the government; did I ever stalk any Kaymans; I�m I a racist; if I had been married, have I ever had relations with a black woman or any color women other than my wife; have I ever spread lies about someone without knowing if they were true or not, or just not caring; did I ever make a website to steal people�s passwords and read their emails and then stalk them; did I ever talk on line as a women to males or females; did I ever get arrested for possessing guns after setting fir to a hotel; did I ever regularly pass gas, and belch at a shabbas table; did I ever say "shalom alechim malchay hashalom", instead of sharats; did I ever point any real or seemingly real gun at anyone; did I ever fire a real gun any anyone.

            However, I would like to be contacted first, and consulted on which questions are best for me to be asked, as the tests are quite expensive, from $400-500, and want to make sure the truth is even important to anyone else.

            Additionally, I would also be happy to pay for the r�s, ed, br to take the same test, hopefully if they fail they would have enough integrity to reimburse me at the cost for the tests, since the damage they caused my name is to great to ever pay-back.  However, I would be happy to pay for it myself, with the money I would have used towards a honeymoon (in the bahamas, of course), if they would just have enough principles to stand behind there words, or admit they knowingly spread lies, or just didn�t care if they were lies.

I have accepted that I cant have you as my wife, but I see even more how few truly good people there�re in this world, and want as many like you, as buddies, in my life.